It Should Have Been Easy

by DanWolgemuth on August 1, 2014

This is the tenth summer that I’ve been a part of the mission of Youth for Christ/USA.  I’ve come to understand the varied rhythms that reflect the realities of my calendar year.  There are seasons of operational intensity, of mission focus, of leadership development, of fund raising, and of staff communication.  There also is a season of rest… better known as July.

This year was no exception.  The end of our financial year in Youth for Christ/USA is June 30th which has inspired our national board to graciously encourage me to taper back the public activities that mark many of the other months on my calendar.

Perfect.  Rest, regroup, and reconnect.  Not only does this include intentional time with Mary and our family, but it’s a perfectly constructed time for me to dig deeply into the things of God.  To marvel, to worship, to revere.  It should be easy.

I wanted a fire to burn without effort.  I wanted to wake every day chomping at the bit to get into God’s Word.  I wanted illumination and inspiration.  I wanted the distractions and noise to fade into the background.

It simply didn’t happen.  No, my calendar didn’t fill with YFC-related activities.  My family planned beautiful and meaningful times together… and each one delivered.  I watched with joy and respect as Mary thoughtfully and tenderly connected to our Father and with me.  But…

No epiphanies.  No visions in the night.  No revelations in the morning.  Nothing extraordinary at all.

Just me, now thirty-one days later.  Waiting.

Did God clear His calendar in July as well?  Did He decide that I didn’t need Him as much during this month?  Did He focus on more pressing issues?

Did I miss something?  Was I unfocused and undisciplined?  Did I expect too little.  Did my restful rhythm steal the intensity of my love, my dependence, my joy?

Frankly, I have no easy answers… there are none.  Just the confession of a soul that continues to pray for more.  There is no neatly tied bow on the top of this Fragment.

Just authentic reflections on what I expected to be much easier.

“Lord, forgive me for thinking this would be easy.  Forgive me for working less and expecting more.  Lord, thanks for loving me so intensely.  Thanks for chasing after me.  Thanks for being my rock and my salvation.

“Please, ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.’” (Psalm 51:10-12)

Nothing more and nothing less.

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